I Wanna Go Home!
by evil superman
Summary: Jack has a bad Monty Python movie moment


Title: I Wanna Go Home!  
  
Summary: Jack has a bad Monty Python movie moment  
  
Spoilers: none   
  
Season: shrugs not really important...  
  
Warnings: None  
  
Rating: PG  
  
A/N: This story doesn't actually have any thing to do with any Monty Python movie (It was just the inspiration for this story.) I was going over some of my old stories the other day when I found this one. Origanally I wrote this story for one of my English classes over the years. We were supposed to write a fictional story using real facts (Kind of like an historical Fiction) and the story had to take place in a certin time period (Acient Greece, Dark ages, Medivale Times, Etc..). So when I found this story I thought it would make a funny Stargate story, I just had to change a few names and some minor details.  
  
The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.  
  
=================  
  
The view of the sky is blocked out by an ocean of green preventing much of the bright sunlight from shinning into the clearing. Towers of brown bark circle in around the clearing fencing it in. With little light and an eerie lack of any kind of sound, aside from the occasional cry from some unidentified creature, gives off the feeling of fear and the need to get as far away as possible to any one passing by.  
  
In the midst of it all stands, what at first sight appears to be nothing but a pile of rubble, a small old run down building with a thatched roof, looking ready to collapse in on its self, and walls that are cracking and begging to crumble. The only signs of life any where, is the smoke snaking its way out of what little is left of the chimney, along with the mumbled whispers and curses escaping through the open door way.  
  
With a cry of triumph a man who looks as though he very well could have actually seen the beginning of the world appeared in the open door way stroking his beard, with the same grayish-white color as his shaggy hair. Walking with a quick haste over to the well near the side of his house, he quickly and carefully draws a bucket of water and then disappears back into his home, with a glint of joy in his greenish-blue eyes.  
  
Moments later a cloud of smoke filled the clearing and disappeared as quickly as it came, leaving behind a lone figure. The lone figure turned his tall frame around in circles, looking about in confusion. Coming to see what the smoke was all about the old man spotted the lone figure, with hair gray hair and the dark eyes. What really got the old man's attention was the strange clothing the man was wearing. He had on pants, made of the oddest material, that ended just below the knees, along with a black shirt that had no sleeves and showed off his lean, well toned muscular build.  
  
Getting over his shock at seeing this strange man, he approached him. Just then the man turned and noticed the old man for the first time, while mumbling something about hitting his head harder than he thought.  
  
"Who are you and where am I?" the man asked.  
  
"Me? Why I'm Valin the Magician every one knows that. As for where you are, you're in the Forest of Forever" Valin replied, "And this is my home." he indicates the clearing.  
  
"Right, and just why exactly am I here?"  
  
"I brought you here to help me retrieve the most magical of all magical scepters. Although I must admit you're not exactly what I was expecting. May I ask your name?"  
  
"The names Jack, Jack O'Neill, and if I'm not what you were expecting why not just send me back?"  
  
"No, no, no you don't understand. You see I was expecting someone from my time, my century, and obviously you are not." After hearing that Jack whirled around from his inspection of Valin's home with a look of udder shock on his face (kind of a deer caught in the headlights look). "And I'm not sure how to send you back to your time with out the magical scepter."  
  
"Wait a minute you're telling me I'm stuck in the past and you can't send me home!"  
  
"Yes, that's what I'm saying. You seem upset."  
  
"Upset, UPSET!! That doesn't even begin to explain how I feel. One second my friend, Teal'c, and I are working out in the gym and the next second I'm standing in the middle of the freakin' Sherwood Forest, staring at some Gandalf wannabe telling me he can't send me home with out some magical stick thingy. Yeah I'm upset, in fact I'm way, way, waaaaaaaaay beyond UPSET!!!!!"  
  
"Um.... ok, anyway look the only way you're getting home is if you help me. So we might as well get started, so we can get this over with. First we need to..." After listening to Valin go on an on an on for over an hour, sounding alot like Daniel in lecture mode, Jack couldn't take it any more, he had to shut Valin up.  
  
"Alright, alright enough. If I help you get this magic stick thingy you'll send me home?"  
  
"Yes. But there is something you must know, the entrance to the cave where the scepter is hidden is guarded by a big, fearsome creature with giant pointy fangs and everything."  
  
"Of course there is. Well lead the way oh great and wise one."  
  
"Thank you. But first we must get you properly equipped. Now I think I have just the thing to start you out with." Disappearing into his home, Valin reappeared 10 minutes later carrying a pair of leather boots, brown trousers and a dark blue and red tunic "To help you blend in better. The rest we'll get from a near by village."  
  
"So besides this creature is there anything else of importance I should know about?" Jack questioned as he changed his clothes.  
  
"No, there's nothing else of importance you should know about. We shouldn't come across any problems along the trails we'll be taking." With that both men began their journey to the nearest village along their way.  
  
After what seemed like hours of walking, the men could start to see the manor, where the people lived, with the castle, the church, the villager's homes, and surrounding farm land. As they drew closer they could also see the peasants farming what little spaces of land they had and selling their crops, the bailiffs collecting taxes, the craftsmen working away on this or that, and even a mason or two working on some buildings.  
  
"So what exactly is it that we need to get?" Jack questioned feeling uneasy about all the people staring at them, "And what's up with all the staring?"  
  
"We need to get supplies, you know food, weaponry, armor, those kinds of things" Valin answered off handily, as he stopped to ruffle the hair of one of the children curious enough to come close to them. "As for the staring you'll have to forgive them, its not every day that they get visitors. Sure they'll get the occasional visit from a pilgrim on their way to the crusades or a peddler, but its still a rare occasion."  
  
Arriving at what Jack figured was some kind of market place, Valin began negotiating for the supplies they needed, until they reached a local blacksmith's shop, where the blacksmith could be seen using a grind stone to sharpen some iron.  
  
"What can I do for you gentlemen today?" The black smith asked while sizing up Valin and Jack.  
  
"Well you see my friend here is in need of some armor and weaponry." Valin replied indicating Jack. "And we were told you were the man to see."  
  
"Really, well lets see what we can do. I don't have much armor, but I think I may have some chain mail armor you can wear to guard against arrows and some plate armor to deal with any hard blows". The blacksmith began digging around for a few moments before returning to his customers, "Here we go, try theses on and see how they fit." With the help of the blacksmith Jack was able to get all the armor on.  
  
"Not a bad fit, it's a little heavy, but not a bad fit.Thanks" Jack thanked the blacksmith, amazed at how well the armor actually fit.  
  
"Good, good. Now lets see about your weaponry. I have lances you can use to knock your enemy off his horse, maces to deliver crushing blows with a single strike, alabardas to keep the enemy at a distance, bolas to also deliver powerful blows and some long bows as well as crossbows." The blacksmith stopped talking long enough to notice the uninterested look on Jack's face, "Not interested in any of theses I see."  
  
"No not really. Don't you have any swords or anything like that?"  
  
"Oh, you're into those kinds of weapons. Well lets see I have some espadas, a good short sword only takes one hand to use and allows you to use a shield or other weapons as well or, the mandoble a two handed sword that delivers a more powerful blow, also some daggers."  
  
"Now that's what I'm talking about. I'll take one of those espadas and a few daggers."  
  
Once all the prices had been set and agreed upon Valin and Jack continued their journey. On their way out of town Jack noticed a crowd of people gathered around in a circle and cheering in a field at the edge of town.  
  
"Hey what's all that about?" Jack asked while indicating the crowd.  
  
"Oh that, its just some of the local men competing in one of the martial arts or kickboxing tournaments they have every now and then. And no we don't have any time to check it out." Valin answered while grabbing Jack by the back of his collar and dragging him along.  
  
"Man, you just suck the fun out of every thing don't you"  
  
Just then a giant shadow past over them and all the villagers started screaming and running for cover, just as a huge ball of fire scorched the land where the crowd had been moments before.  
  
"What! the heck was that?" Jack demanded as he pushed Valin and himself behind a near by bolder.  
  
"That my friend is what we call a dragon" Valin replied.  
  
"Ok and when I specifically asked you if there was anything else of importance I should know about you said no, so are you telling me that a gigantic, monstrous, FIRE!! breathing dragon wasn't important enough to tell me about!"  
  
"I didn't tell you about it because it's not suppose to be here."  
  
"Yeah well it's here anyway. So we should probably try and figure out a way to make it not be here."  
  
"A dragon's skin is so tough, that no man made weapon can pierce it. Although there is one spot on the underside near its heart that is vulnerable, but it's very tiny and difficult to hit."  
  
Just then Jack got an idea and after ordering Valin to stay put, took off towards the village, returning moments latter with a cross bow and a bunch of arrows.  
  
"Lets hope all those summer camp archery classes I was forced to take as a kid weren't as big waste of time as I thought they were." Jack joked as he got ready to fire his first shot.  
  
"How did you get the blacksmith to let you have that, since I'm the one with the money not you?"  
  
"Uh..... let's just say he wasn't exactly around and I kind of had to leave him an I owe you."  
  
"You mean you stole it from him."  
  
"Its not stealing its permanently borrowing there's a difference. Besides it's all perfectly legal 'till you get caught. Now are you going to sit there and lecture me or let me try and save what's left of this lousy village?" Getting no response from Valin, Jack continued trying to get a good shot.  
  
After shooting over a dozen arrows each missing its mark, Jack tossed the bow down in frustration. "This isn't working we need to get that thing to land. I've only got one arrow left. We need some kind of bait." Looking around Jack spotted a near by cow. "The cow. Get the cow."  
  
"Alright I'll get the cow, while you set up your shot." With that Valin took off and let the cow out of its pen. Once the cow was out all that was left to do was wait and hope the dragon fell for the bait.  
  
They didn't have to wait long before the 10-story high, living, breathing fire torch came towering over them, swooping down to land and begin devouring the poor helpless cow. Mustering up all the courage he had, Jack stepped out from his hiding place, took aim, and fired.  
  
Time seemed to slow down as the arrow swam through the air towards its goal. After what felt like an eternity, the arrow hit its mark. In a last desperate attempt for survival the dragon began to take flight, but to no avail and with one last fiery breath came crashing down, indenting into the land.  
  
As Jack stood there doing his happy, happy, joy, joy, dance, the surving villagers came rushing out like a tidal wave to congratulate and thank him.  
  
"You must come and let us feed you, such a noble warrior," one villager shouted.  
  
"Yes a feast in your honor, great dragon slayer," another villager agreed.  
  
"No, No I'm afraid we don't have time. We really must be going." Valin argued.  
  
"Oh, come on Valin lightin' up. Have a little fun and enjoy yourself," Jack called back as he was carried into the middle of what little of the village was left.  
  
The feast wasn't as fancy as Jack had thought it would be, but considering most of the village was nothing more then a pile of ash it wasn't that bad. The food was simple, mostly breads, vegetables, dairy products, a little bit of meat and they even had some 'pot herbs' such as cabbages, leeks, and onions. By the time the food was all eaten and everything cleaned up the darkness of the night had blanketed the village, and both Valin and Jack were forced to stay the night.  
  
Morning came sooner then Jack would have liked and Valin was becoming frustrated with trying to get him to wake up.  
  
"Valin if you even think about taking another step, this pillow and your head will become very well acquainted." Jack mumbled from where he was sleeping.  
  
"Come on Jack you need to get so we can finish our journey and you can go home." Valin replied.  
  
Muttering some not nice words and holding his head in his hands, Jack began getting out of bed. "Man what the hell was I drinking last night?" Jack complained as he got dressed.  
  
Much latter than Valin would have liked they were finally on their way. By the time they reached the cave holding the magical scepter, it was well past mid-day.  
  
"This is it the cave we've been looking for." Valin whispered.  
  
"Ok..... So where's this big, fearsome creature with sharp pointy fangs and everything?" Jack asked.  
  
"Just wait for it and it will come." Soon they could hear some kind of noise coming from the cave. As the sound came closer it got louder and soon they could hear someone or something singing what sounded like 'I love you, you love me'.  
  
"Oh no, no, no, no, no... there is NOOOOOO way I'm going in there. You didn't tell me I'd be facing Barney the Purple Dinosaur. I mean does the term cruel and unusual punishment mean any thing to you? screw going home I'd rather be stuck here in the past than face that...that thing!"  
  
"Jack please its important I get that scepter."  
  
"Fine, but you OWE ME BIG TIME!!!" Jack began to enter the cave, but soon came running back out covering his ears, screaming "Make it stop, make it stop, PLEASE make it stop."  
  
"Get a hold of your self man. Its not as bad as you may think it is."  
  
"Then you go in there."  
  
"Uh... ok, maybe we need to rethink our plan."  
  
"Wait I have an idea. Give me the strap off your bag." Jack then began to rip the sleeves of his shirt off and bunch them into balls.  
  
"What are you going to do?"  
  
"Well he can't hurt me if I can't hear him right?" He then proceeded to put the clumps of cloth over his ears, tie them in place with the strap off of Valin's bag and once again enter the cave.  
  
Many tense moments pasted, with the only sounds coming from the cave being the sounds of a fearce battle and then there was silence. Valin grew more and more worried as time pasted. Soon he could hear and begin to see signs of movement in the cave. With a sigh of relief Valin watched as Jack emerged from the cave carrying the magical scepter and dragging Barney's head behind him.  
  
"You did it, you actually defeated the creature" Valin congratulated Jack, Amazed.  
  
"Yeah, well he got what was coming to him. Nobody tries brain washing the children of the world and gets away with it."  
  
"Yes, and true to my word I shall send you home now."  
  
In a flash of bright light Jack was back in his normal clothing laying on his back on the floor mats in the gym, with Teal'c gently smacking Jack's face to get him to wake up.  
  
"O'Neill you must wake up." Teal'c commanded.  
  
"Slap me again and you'll never use that hand again" Jack threatened as he grabbed Teal'c's wrist and looked around in confusion for a brief moment.  
  
"Are you well O'Neill. You seemed to be out of it there for a momemt."  
  
"Man you wouldn't believe me if I told you. Lets just say I was having a really bad Monty Python movie moment and leave it at that. Now are we going to finish or not?"  
  
"Indeed." With that both men went back to what they were doing like nothing had happened.

Fin.


End file.
